By Eric Wilbanks, Professional Dad.
Law 1: The Law of the Lid
You will always have more cups than there are lids that fit them, no matter what you do.
Law 2: The Law of Influence
There is an un-identifiable force named “Idunno” which is capable of exerting incredible influence over the decisions of your child.
Law 3: The Law of Process
Every activity involving children will take four times longer than it should, no matter how much you rehearse the process.
Law 4: The Law of Navigation
Children do NOT know where they are going even if you did just give them explicit instructions, hence Law 3.
Law 5: The Law of Addition
One child can scatter 100 toys in one minute. Two children can scatter 1,000 toys in one minute. Go figure.
Law 6: The Law of Solid Ground
Faces and bottoms are destined to experience the fury of solid ground. Survival is nearly 100%.
Law 7: The Law of Respect
Children do not respect weak parents. Show them your jugular and they will go in for the kill.
Law 8: The Law of Intuition
A mother’s intuition is like some sort of freaky alien super power. Kids know this and are baffled by it. Use that to your advantage.
Law 9: The Law of Magnetism
By some cruel twist of fate, children are natural magnets for all things unclean. Get close enough to a child and you will find this out first-hand. Especially if you are wearing white. And on the way out the door.
Law 10: The Law of Connection
You will always have an enduring connection to your child, even if it is just from your garment to his runny nose.
Law 11: The Law of the Inner Circle
Be forewarned: The day she graduates from a crib to a “big girl bed” is the day she invites herself to the inner circle of your own bed. This cannot be stopped.
Law 12: The Law of Empowerment
A child’s feeling of empowerment is inversely proportional to your desire for them to do it themselves. Go ahead, think it through…we’ll wait.
Law 13: The Law of the Picture
Every picture, every scribble, is a work of art. Don’t even think about discarding it. They WILL notice.
Law 14: The Law of Buy-In
Kids give immediate buy-in. Therefore, you should make an effort to limit the number of times you threaten to sell them to aliens from another galaxy.
Law 15: The Law of Victory
Be sure to celebrate the little victories…like actually finding both little shoes in the same room.
Law 16: The law of the BIG MO
After you’ve used the very last wipe, the next diaper will be the BIG MO.
Law 17: The law of Priorities
Your priorities mean nothing to a child. Your explanations of those priorities mean even less.
Law 18: The law of Sacrifice
It will be many years before you are able to enjoy a night out or even a peaceful meal. That’s part of the package. Deal with it.
Law 19: The Law of Timing
Your child will experience an “emergency” (real or imagined) at the exact moment you sit down on the toilet.
Law 20: The Law of Explosive Growth
Your child will experience a massive growth spurt the day after you spend money on any article of clothing.
Law 21: The Law of Legacy
As a parent, your own children are the only legacy you have that means anything. Raise them well and others will praise you no matter what else you do in life.